Cold Cuts/Transcript
DISCLAIMER FRIEZA: The following is a non-profit, fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT-GT-GT-GT-T-T-T... (keeps repeating the word "T") KING COLD: Oh, my! Um, are all owned by Funimation, Toei Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release. FRIEZA: ...T-T-- (shorts out) Absalon. (Cut to the gang on their way to Frieza and King Cold's location. The back of Vegeta's pink shirt currently says "Dum Cumpster".) VEGETA: All right, Frieza's just over this next formation. Now, before we move in, we need a plan. So here it is: all of you will attack from the front, and while you're being slaughtered, I'll flank him, taking him from behind and securing the kill! Ready? Break! PICCOLO: No. TIEN: Yeah, no. YAMCHA: Personally, I don't think Bulma should be here-- a battlefield is no place for a lady! VEGETA: And yet you're sticking around. YAMCHA: I'm serious! I worry about her safety! And as my close personal friend--possibly even bestie--I think we need to consider... (Bulma grabs his ear) Ahhh! BULMA: Anyone want to explain to Yamcha here what ten pounds of torque does to a human ear? GOHAN: Rips it off? BULMA: Very good, Gohan! (Gohan, Krillin, Chiaotzu, and Puar all start laughing) KRILLIN: Oh, we're gonna f**king die... SEQUENCE (cut to Frieza and King Cold being confronted by the young man) KING COLD: So is this him, sweetie? Is this the man who hurt you so? FRIEZA: No, Daddy. This is a new one. YOUNG MAN: So, you must be Frieza! (pronounces it as "Fry-za") FRIEZA: Actually, it's Lord Freeza. YOUNG MAN: Really? Then why is there an "i" in it? FRIEZA: There isn't. YOUNG MAN: Huh. Gonna have to fix that one when I get back, then. Anyway, I'm here to kill you! FRIEZA: *chuckles* My, my. Not five minutes on this wayward rock and we already have a volunteer-teer-teer (shorts out) dead man! Soldiers! Do your jobs! STRAW: Lord Frieza, with all due respect... FRIEZA: This sounds like insubordination! STRAW: He just turned an entire squad into a pile of limbs! FRIEZA: And that sounds like it's not my problem! CHAYOTE: Man, move your bitchin' bitch ass over, bitch! (walks past Straw and scans the young man with his scouter) What, power level of five? Shit, ain't nobody got time for that! (fires a shot at the young man who deflects it into a plateau) Well, that ain't right... (the young man rushes forward and elbows Chayote in the face, knocking him into King Cold's ship) YOUNG MAN: Consider that a warning! Either leave now or die! FRIEZA: Ooo, is that an ultimatum? I love ultimatums! Here's mine: either die to him or die to me! (King Cold's soldiers start rushing at young man before the camera goes black, with a couple of sword slashes being seen, and the young man is now seen standing in front of King Cold's men, who are all immobilized) FRIEZA: What... What just happened? YOUNG MAN: Give it a second. FRIEZA: No, really, they're just... YOUNG MAN: No, no, hold on... (sheathes his sword and all of the minions keel over) Yeah, took me a whole three months to get that one down. They make it look a lot easier than it really is. Real hard part was that guy's armor. (the last minion standing gapes as his scouter breaks and some of his armor falls off) I ended up going through a dozen mannequins before I cinched that one. FRIEZA: You missed a spot... (impales the minion with his hand) MINION: Lord Frieza... The f**k? (drops to the ground as Frieza takes his hand out) KING COLD: You know that was our last minion, right? FRIEZA: Who cares? We have more at home. KING COLD: No, I mean now we have no one to fly the ship! FRIEZA: I can fly it! KING COLD: Son, we do not fly ourselves-- flying is for the help! YOUNG MAN: So, uh, curious, what's with all the spare parts sticking out of you? FRIEZA: Impudent little... These are not spare parts! What you are looking at is the ultimate culmination of science and nature! YOUNG MAN: (looks away sarcastically) Oh, wow... I've... never seen that before... FRIEZA: You know, the only reason you continue to breathe is because I need something to entertain me until the Super Saiyan arrives. YOUNG MAN: Oh, really? Because if it's a Super Saiyan you're looking for... I can fill the part. FRIEZA: What?! (the young man gives off a small smirk) *laughs* Oh, you hear that, Daddy? "I can fill the part." It's like a five-year-old trying to play police officer. KING COLD: Or like how you play Pretty Pink Princess? FRIEZA: Daddy, not in front of the malcontent! KING COLD: But it's so cute when you do it! (the young man begins powering up, undergoing a familiar transformation) FRIEZA: I haven't done that since I was eight-eight-ei-eight-- (shorts out) my quinceañera. (the young man starts yelling) FRIEZA: What?! KING COLD: Zounds! (cut to Piccolo and Vegeta feeling the young man's power) GOHAN: That's... that's my dad! KRILLIN: Are you sure, Gohan? GOHAN: Either that or we just felt Frieza's mom... KRILLIN: Who here just thought of Frieza with boobs? (silence) Really? I'm the only one? VEGETA: Yes! (thinking as the camera zooms in on him) He must never know... (back to the battlefield where the young man had just transformed into a Super Saiyan in front of Frieza and King Cold) FRIEZA: Those-- those eyes... They're the same as... (flashback of Goku as Super Saiyan on Namek) GOKU: (distant whisper) Pizza... (back in the present) FRIEZA: No. No! NO! NO! (rises up and begins to create a huge energy blast) NO! Kill! (shorts out) Murder! (shorts out again) Destroy! (shorts out once more) EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! (Frieza throws the blast at the young man, which falls on top of him and digs into the Earth's surface. Frieza starts laughing crazily.) KING COLD: All right, get down here. I'm going to call Space AAA and have them tow us, thank you very much! (Frieza lands and starts walking away from the blast, which suddenly stops descending) What? FRIEZA: (turns around) What!? (Frieza's blasts starts rising up into the sky, with the opening lyrics of "The Circle of Life" from "The Lion King" being heard) KING COLD: Frieza, what did you do?! FRIEZA: Daddy, not now! (the young man is revealed to still be alive and walks out of the crater while holding Freiza's blast above his head, causing Frieza to growl in anger) YOUNG MAN: Well, Frieza, looks like you dropped the ball! (Frieza glares at the young man and twitches) Dropped the ball. (Frieza continues to glare angrily at the young man) Drrrropped the ba-- FRIEZA: Hrgh! (shoots a small blast into the huge one, causing it to detonate and create a humongous explosion. The gang nearby screams and ducks for cover) (The camera then shows what's left of the area, which is now a humongous crater with the young man nowhere to be seen. King Cold lands next to Frieza.) KING COLD: You almost destroyed the whole planet there. FRIEZA: Sorry, I got a little bit carried away. Doesn't matter now, though. Our little Super Saiyan is dead-dead-dead-- (shorts out) cadaverific. (the camera shows the young man on top of a cliff and prepares another attack) YOUNG MAN: Hey, Frieza! FRIEZA: What? YOUNG MAN: You should split! (fires a blast at Frieza and King Cold, who both jump out of the way) FREEZA: If you're trying to be clever, you're sorely lacki-- (hears someone screaming and looks up in the sky) Huh? (shows the young man above Frieza, holding his sword above his head while descending) YOUNG MAN: Aaaaaaaaaahhhh! FRIEZA: Aaaaaaaaahhhhh! YOUNG MAN: Aaaaaaaaaahhhh! FRIEZA: Aaaaaaaaaahhhh! YOUNG MAN: Aaaaaaahhhh! FRIEZA: Aaaaaaahhhh! YOUNG MAN: Aaaahhhh! FRIEZA: Aaaahhhh! YOUNG MAN: Aaaahhhh! FRIEZA: Aaaahhhh! YOUNG MAN: Aaaahhhh! FRIEZA: Aaaahhhh! YOUNG MAN: Hi-yah! (attacks Frieza with his sword) FRIEZA: Aaaaaaaaahhhhh! (the blue screen of death appears on the screen before showing a diagonal cut, revealing that Frieza, with the BSOD in his eyes, has been cut in half by the young man) KING COLD: (witnessing what just happened to his son) My baby boy! (cut to the gang arriving near the battle) KRILLIN: We're finally here! Where's Frieza--? (notices the young man, Frieza, and King Cold in the air) Oh... There he is... (the young man proceeds to slash Frieza into tiny bits with his sword before obliterating him with a ki blast) KRILLIN: And there... And there... (gets hit in the face by one of Frieza's organs) And here... (looks down at the organ) Is that his brain? (the young man spins and sheathes his sword) GOHAN: Guys, I think that person is a Super Saiyan! VEGETA: Like hell he is! KRILLIN: Spiky gold hair, incredible power... VEGETA: You don't know that he's a Super Saiyan! Maybe he's Super Human, huh? Maybe you slackers just haven't been trying hard enough! TIEN: Says the non-Super Saiyan. VEGETA: F**K OFF! (flies towards the battle) (cut back to the young man landing on the ground along with King Cold) KING COLD: (angrily glaring at the young man) You murdered my princess...! (calmly) Oh well, you win some, you lose some. YOUNG MAN: Children? KING COLD: Yeah! YOUNG MAN: Okay, sorta thought you'd be a little more pissed... KING COLD: Oh, blindingly so. Mind if I see your sword? YOUNG MAN: What? Why? KING COLD: I just wish to hold it. YOUNG MAN: No! KING COLD: Oh, come on, be neighborly! YOUNG MAN: I'm not your neighbor. I also think I hate you. KING COLD: Look, after what you did, I can fit what's left of my son into a meat pie-- let me see your stupid sword! YOUNG MAN: Eh, fine. (lobs his sword at King Cold, who catches it) KING COLD: See? Nothing nefarious-- I just wanted to inspect the craftsmanship... Admire the temper... Test its edge on you, you insubordinate hick! (attacks the young man with his own sword, who stops it easily with just one hand and starts powering up) Uh... Still not sure if you hate me? YOUNG MAN: Actually, that pretty much sealed it. (blasts a hole through King Cold's chest, knocking him next to a cliff) KING COLD: No! No, wait, please, I... We can make a deal! If you spare my life, I'll give you a planet! Three planets! Two and a half? YOUNG MAN: You just went down. KING COLD: I'm a haggler...? (The young man fires a blast at King Cold, obliterating him into atoms, and then fires another blast at his ship, destroying it. The gang is seen watching the explosion from afar.) KRILLIN: Good work, team! (the young man sheathes his sword and reverts to his normal form before looking over to the gang) YOUNG MAN: Hey, there, guys! VEGETA: (off-screen) F**k this guy! YOUNG MAN: I'm about to go meet Goku! Just follow me! GOHAN: Wait, did he just say my dad? KRILLIN: Wait, Gohan! We don't know if we can trust this guy... YOUNG MAN: I also brought snacks! KRILLIN: ...but the Bible does say "love thy neighbor"! GOHAN: You're a Buddhist. KRILLIN: A hungry Buddhist. (The gang flies off after the young man. The young man is seen flying and looking at a GPS system on his watch.) GPS: Fly 300 meters northwest, then land near Idiot Rock. YOUNG MAN: So that's what they called it before Idiot Crater... (he lands along with everyone else) Now, I'm sure you're all wondering why I brought you here. KRILLIN: Snacks! YAMCHA: To kill us! VEGETA: To kill snacks! YOUNG MAN: Goku is going to land near here in approximately three hours. Until then... (throws a capsule at the ground, revealing a mini fridge) let's all have a drink. (takes out a can of Hetap) I've got soda, beer, and Hetap. TIEN: Isn't it a little early to start drinking? BULMA: Hey, 5 o'clock was twenty hours ago! (chugs down a beer) KRILLIN: So, stranger, what's your name? YOUNG MAN: Can't say. KRILLIN: Well, Mr. Can't Say, I'm Krillin! YOUNG MAN: That's not funny. KRILLIN: What isn't? GOHAN: So... you know my dad, right? YOUNG MAN: Well, sort of. Really, I've just heard a lot about him. It's kind of-- BULMA: So, hey, like, just gonna throw this out there... You're really cute! YOUNG MAN: (uncomfortably) Well, you know, my mom always said I was a cute kid... BULMA: Oh, a mama's boy, huh? I'll be your "mommy~" (winks at the young man) YOUNG MAN: (internally while giving off a smile) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! KRILLIN: Can I have another Hetap? YOUNG MAN: (hysterically) Yes! yes you can! BULMA: By the way, that jacket is awfully familiar... YOUNG MAN: Um... BULMA: Yeah. I even made it myself-- (notices the logo on the young man's jacket) Capsule Corp. logo? Even cut it short to show off my midriff! (the back of Vegeta's shirt reads "Pull my hair") VEGETA: (thinking) If he's never met him before, how the hell does this kid know where Kakarot is going to land? YOUNG MAN: (heard faintly during Vegeta's first inner monologue) I love everything about Capsule Corp.! VEGETA: (still thinking) And he can't actually be a damn Saiyan. Either he's a liar or... Maybe... YOUNG MAN: (heard faintly during Vegeta's second inner monologue) Yup, love storing things... VEGETA: (still in his thoughts) Wait a second! (out loud) Did someone drink the last Hetap?! I'll kill you! (Krillin imitates Curly's whooping sounds off-screen) (time card reads 2 hours, 45 minutes later) (cut to everyone waiting for Goku's return) CHIAOTZU: Tien, I'm bored... TIEN: Chiaotzu, we only have to wait a little while longer. We'll say hello to Goku and then we'll go home. CHIAOTZU: Can we get McDonald's? TIEN: Only if you're good. (Chiaotzu whines) (cut to the young man looking at Vegeta) VEGETA: (notices the young man staring at him) What? What are you lookin' at? What, do you like what you see? (the young man looks away) Yeah, that's right, eyes to yourself! I don't swing that way-- I'm a real man! (the back of his pink shirt now says "Blowjob Princess") GOHAN: Hey, Mr. Piccolo? PICCOLO: Yeah? GOHAN: I was wondering... Why didn't you go with the rest of the Namekians to your home planet? PICCOLO: Oh, I don't know, why don't you just go to Vegeta with the rest of the Saiyans? VEGETA: (off-screen) Hey, I've already got one hitting on me over here, I don't need another! (the young man's alarm goes off on his watch) YOUNG MAN: (thinking) Oh, thank God. (out loud) All right, everybody, Goku should be landing any moment now. (Gohan gasps excitedly, but nothing happens) VEGETA: Well, I don't see him, so you're wrong. I think you've been lying to us the whole time! There's no way you could-- (a space pod whizzes by the gang and crashes not too far away from their location) That could be anyone... (the gang gathers around the crater and watches as the door of the space pod opens slowly with Goku quickly emerging from inside) GOKU: GUYS, WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME! FREEZER'S HERE AND-- (everyone standing around the crater starts cheering) GOKU: Yay... (laughs nervously) Wha--? SEQUENCE STINGER BULMA: (eyeing the young man while waiting for Goku) So... Do you think the carpet matches the drapes? KRILLIN: I dunno. Do yours? BULMA: Krillin! KRILLIN: What? It was a leginamate question... I mean, a legitimate quest... Whatever. BULMA: It's just very personal! I mean, do yours? KRILLIN: Yeah. BULMA: (baffled) What? KRILLIN: It's called manscaping. BULMA: It's weird. KRILLIN: It's hygienic!